Lil Confucius
🦋🦋🦋
Feeling pretty sure I had secured Hyung’s vote, I turned my attention to Maknae, our family’s youngest. While many cultures typically dote upon the last-borns, Korean families often dial this pampering up a notch or two. My parents were no exception, always willing to give my sister carte blanche to indulge her whims.
Yet, Maknae was no enfant terrible. Rather, she was a crafty fox, wise beyond her eleven years and armed with razor-sharp wits. She was, in fact, something of a political prodigy. Whenever she set her sights on a goal or had to win an argument, she cleverly deployed every trick up her sleeve, including the well-timed use of crocodile tears. Much to my frustration, the rest of the family almost always fell for her performance. I hadn’t secretly nicknamed her ‘Lil Confucius’ for nothing.
To forge an alliance with such a cunning strategist, looming before me like the Great Wall of China, I knew I had to devise a tactic as brilliant as those found in Sun Tzu’s ancient military treatise, The Art of War. Alas, based on my history with Lil Confucius, she had an uncanny knack for sniffing out any ploy I was cooking up, even before it was half-baked.
Fortunately, Maknae was always open to negotiation if she saw a chance for a good deal. And when the other side fed her a heap of flattering compliments during talks, fawning over her as if she were a giant panda cub, she gleefully ate them up like they were sweet braised bamboo shoots at Golden Buddha, our favorite Chinese restaurant. I decided to exploit this single weakness of hers. How?—By swallowing my pride and groveling at her feet, as though she were Qin Shi Huangdi, the First Emperor of China, the man largely responsible for the Great Wall.
Granted, my strategy lacked spine, but I was prepared to go to any lengths. At that moment, my sole raison d’être was the tiny kitten’s safety. Nothing else, not even my dignity, mattered. Alas, as I ventured toward Lil Confucius’ chamber to work my magic, unbeknownst to me, a disaster of Chinese-operatic proportions was about to unfold.
🦋
Upon reaching her room, I found Maknae seated cross-legged on her bed, occupied with Lucy Maud Montgomery’s Anne of Green Gables, a book I too had read at the tender age of 11. She soon shifted her attention from the world of Prince Edward Island to stare at me, her eyes gleaming like the tip of a freshly sharpened dagger. My sister wore this haughty expression that seemed to indicate she had long foreseen this moment, silently conveying, ‘I knew you’d come crawling into my room for my grace.’ Just as I was about to oblige and beg for her benevolence, Lil Confucius issued her first words.
“Come, I know why you’re here,” she commanded, beckoning me closer by curling her right index finger in and out a few times. It was the bossiest, and sassiest, gesture I had ever seen.
“You know, Unnie and I snuck into your room when you were out and saw the kitten. I do declare the little thing’s kinda cute.”
I had gone into Maknae’s room a bundle of nerves, but her unexpectedly positive remark about the kitten instantly uplifted my spirits.
“Totally, it’s cute as a button, ain’t it?” I chimed in enthusiastically.
“Now, I wonder why anyone would leave such a small kitten in front of our door.”
“I don’t know, but we do have the biggest yard. Maybe they thought the kitten would be safer here, less likely to wander out to the road.”
“Well, I can definitely see why you’d want to keep the little fuzzball, and I’d love to have your back, but…”
Lord, here it comes. I just knew she was going to pour a bucket of icy water on the positive vibe.
“Look, here’s the thing. I dig the kitten, I really do, but siding with you will ruffle Ma’s feathers, big time. I could end up on bad terms with the top dog in our little kingdom. Now, you tell me, why would I vote against my own interests?”
As if! Don’t make me laugh. Everyone and their dog knows that no one in our household can mess with you. Even the honcho tiptoes around you!
“Oh, come on, Mom wouldn’t dare to—”
Maknae swiftly raised her right arm to shut me up, as if she were Queen Elizabeth, and I a mere courtier at Buckingham Palace speaking out of turn.
“Since Mom’s my favorite, I don’t see how I can vote against her. However, since you’re here, let’s hear what you’ve got. I’m all ears. If it involves…oh, I don’t know, you cleaning my room, for instance…then we might have something to discuss.”
What, that’s it? All I have to do is just clean her room? Haha, why was I on pins and needles over coming here?
In our home, with both Mom and Dad logging long hours at work, the onus of household chores fell squarely on us kids. My siblings and I were responsible for cleaning our own rooms, washing our own dishes after meals, and handling the family laundry and weekly house-cleaning on a rotating basis. On top of all that, we were on our own for meals, cooking for ourselves except on weekends.
“Well, my lovely sister, how about this generous offer from your dear Oppa? I shall clean your room, all spick-and-span, once a week for one month!”
“What, one month?” Lil Confucius cast me a chilly stare, her tone of voice frosted with contempt.
“Uh…okay, okay, I’m willing to go for two whole months, yessiree Bubba!” I thought this would seal the deal, but Maknae looked none too thrilled.
“Well, I guess my dear Oppa has no intention of taking our little negotiation seriously. Guess you don’t care much about the kitten, I reckon.
“Think I’ll just mosey on down to the living room and catch some Saturday morning cartoons. Oh, yeah, Tom and Jerry should be on by now. Wait, Oppa-ya, I always mix their names up, but Tom’s the cat, yah?”
Hwhy you little…you know darn well Tom’s the cat!
“Say, it pains me to say it, but would that scrawny kitten even survive if it got tossed out into the woods?”
“I beg your pardon? Why would you even bring that up? Just so you know, I plan to win the vote, thank you.”
“Yeah, whatever. Keep telling yourself that. It doesn’t cost any money to let your delusion run wild. But in the end, you’re gon’ lose the vote, so how you plan to say goodbye to the kitty?”
“Lawd, have mercy, can we please not discuss such a grim scenario?”
“Well, doesn’t hurt to be prepared, no? What’ll it be: a Christian burial, or the Hindu ritual of cremation?”
“Oh. My. Ganesh! Are you out of your mind!? Cremation, seriously?”
“Geez, chill, don’t get your panties all in a bunch. I’m glad to hear that, by the way. I sure don’t wanna be cremated when I die, either. Ow, fire, it’s gon’ be so hot.”
“What are you even talking about? You’re dead, you ain’t gonna feel nuthin!”
“How would you know that, Oppa? Have you ever been dead before?”
Oh… give me Herculean strength!