Goodbye, Guns N’ Roses
🦋🦋🦋
“Look, Oppa, I have no dog in this fight between you and Mom—or cat, for that matter. But I can’t help feeling uneasy about these scenarios: for argument’s sake, let’s say you win the vote, even though the odds of that happening seem pretty unlikely in my unvarnished estimation. Remember, your room sits adjacent to mine, and you know darn well that I loathe interruptions when I’m studying or practicing my cello.
“Picture your kitten making loud ‘meow, meow’ sounds or somehow entering my room during my study or practice time. And what if she decides to do her business in my room? Nope, nuh-uh. I’ll simply die if that happens.
“Furthermore, you do realize that your cat won’t remain 12 ounces in weight and the size of your right hand forever, correct? She’ll soon begin to grow, gaining roughly a pound a month. Thus, in six months, she’ll be about six pounds, with a lanky torso and legs, unless your kitten’s a Louisiana munchkin breed.
“For what it’s worth to you, Prisha’s mom mentioned that some folks abandon cats when they’re no longer kittens. I believe you haven’t considered this aspect yet, am I ri—.”
“No, sis, I haven’t because I don’t need to. I’ll never abandon her! In fact, I look forward to her growing up. Just imagine how pretty and fluffy her fur will become, how round and firm her face will be, and how elegant and regal her posture will be. I can hardly wait.
“I tell you, I’ve sworn to myself that I’ll protect her, come hell or high water. I’d rather root for them hated Florida Gators than break that promise.
“Next, I will train her thoroughly to make sure she never bothers you, either by making noises or entering your room. You have my word!
“You know what, while I’m at it, I’m sorry about the loud music I’ve been playing from my room. From now on, you’ll never have to bang the wall to ask me to turn down Guns N’ Roses or Def Leppard. You have my word on this, too!”
“Okay, that’s that. Prisha’s mom did tell me that cats are not only highly intelligent but also very trainable. I always assumed dogs were smarter than cats, but apparently cats, on average, have 300 million neurons in the cerebral cortex, you know, the part of the brain responsible for thinking and rational decision-making, while dogs have an average of 160 million neurons in the same region.
“Now, speaking of neurons, Little Oppa, it’s not my place to dictate how you should live your life, but I would strongly suggest you stop listening to crude heavy metal music. Those ear-splittingly strident, cacophonic noises will kill your brain cells, if you ask me.
“I mean, between us family members, it seems you have the fewest number of brain cells, so wouldn’t it make sense for you to conserve them instead of destroying those precious commodities?”
What the…!
Woah~woah~hold your tongue, dude, don’t you dare say anything back. You know you had it coming, considering how you would crank up the volume of the CD player each time she pounded on the wall. Just take the barbed insults with a smile. Let’s do this for the po’ kitto!
“That Def Leppard song with discordant sound and infantile lyrics that you’re always playing, what is that…uh…‘Rock of Ages’?…or is it ‘Dumb as a Rock of Ages’?”
Go ahead, mock me and my favorite song all you want. I won’t crack. As long as I get your vote for the kitto, I’ll gladly put up with all your put-downs.
“Look, if you truly want to enjoy contemporary music, why not try listening to Duran Duran, Tears for Fears, or Annie Lennox, like? At least their songs are harmonious and make sense.”
Ah, hell nah!
“But for your sake, may I recommend that you listen to some elevated music that might stimulate the production of new neurons in your cell-hungry brain, such as Beethoven’s sublime Piano Concerto No. 5 or Wieniawski’s exquisite Violin Concerto No. 2?”
No, I don’t want to!
“Yes, I’d love to! I’ll be sure to explore those elevator, no!, elevated music one of these days. And when I do, I’ll promptly share my impressions with you, of course, with pleasure.”
“Excellent. Here are the CDs featuring the incandescent performances of the pianist Mitsuko Uchida and the violinist Itzhak Perlman. I look forward to hearing your impressions by tomorrow.”
Aw, dang!
🦋
“By the way, your kitten’s eyes are blue at the moment because it takes around six weeks for cats to develop eye pigmentation when the melanin finally begins to appear. So, in about three weeks, you’ll find out your kitten’s actual iris color, assuming you win the vote to keep her, of course.”
“That’s fascinating. Does this mean that people with blue eyes also lack pigment in their irises?”
“Wow, that’s possibly the smartest thing you’ve said since…I don’t know, ever?”
Restraint, dude, restraint. Let her pile on. Let her revel in your vulnerability. You know you need her vote.
“Yup, individuals with blue eyes don’t actually have blue pigment. The blue coloration is due to how light interacts with their melanin-deficient irises. Only 8% of the global population possesses this eye color, primarily residing in the British Isles, Scandinavia, and regions around the Baltic Sea—or being descendants from these areas.
“In habitats with limited sunlight exposure, like Northern Europe, our ancestors with wider eyelid openings and lighter eye colors—blue as well as green and hazel—had a visual advantage. The translucency of their irises allowed more light in, which was especially beneficial during long, dark winters. It aided in hunting and gathering, and in protecting themselves against large animals and other humans more efficiently. It’s not surprising to find that in Finland, the country receiving the least amount of sunlight from October to February, nearly 90% of Caucasian natives have blue eyes.”
“Oh, so that means maybe Robert Redford’s ancestors are from Helsinki?”
“Don’t be an idiot. His surname is Redford, not Hämäläinen or Järvinen.”
Well, excu-u-use me!
“You know, the existence of all organisms on Earth is fundamentally contingent upon solar radiation, yet few people realize that even the physical attributes that typify Homo sapiens, such as our skin color, nose structure, hair texture and coloration, eyelid configuration, lips dimensions, and, of course, eye color are all influenced by it. These distinct anthropological features are not products of chance, but rather the outcomes of adaptive responses to environmental stimuli. More precisely, the phenotypic evolution of our Homo sapien ancestors was significantly shaped by their respective durations and intensities of exposure to sunlight.”
…
What the hell, I didn’t understand 50% of what I just heard. Who cares, she said lots of SAT words, so she must’ve said something smart. Let’s butter her up a bit with my extra-oily flatteries.
“Wow, sis, as I stand here soaking up your encyclopedic knowledge, I can practically hear the sound of my brain cells multiplying. Praise be! I tell you what, from this point forward, I intend to consult your profound wisdom on all matters, yessiree Bubba!”
“Yuck, enough with the oily flatteries. Save your butters for narcissistic Maknae. At this very moment, for your sake, silence might suit you better.”
Aw, dang!