It’s in Hawaii
🦋🦋🦋
“By the way, Mom dropped by before you did and issued me a stern warning.”
“Oh, no, what did she say?”
“She threatened that if I cast my vote for you, she’d never again buy me another mystery or gothic novel, a classical music CD, or a ticket to the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra performance. She emphasized specifically that I’d no longer have the opportunity to be mesmerized by Maestro Robert Shaw’s choral concerts.”
“See, sis, this is why you need to vote for me. I know you ain’t aware of this, but my one-person lawn care and leaf removal service is turning qute a profit. Just so you know, I made twenty bucks the other day raking and mulching leaves from Mrs. Cantrell’s lawn, and Mr. Preston called me yesterday to arrange for me to handle his yard next week. I tell you what, my business has monopolized our neighborhood, that’s for sure.
“So don’t you worry, sis, I’ve got you covered. Just ignore what Mom said.”
“I know. And I don’t need your help, as I can always earn money myself when needed. You have no idea how many people at the church have been begging me to tutor their children. That’s why I didn’t bat an eye at what Mom said.
“To be honest, I’m somewhat disappointed by her ad hominem approach. Rather than attempting to persuade me with logical arguments, she simply issued an order for me to vote for her. I mean, I don’t want my vote to be decided by intimidation. All the same, she genuinely scared me.”
“No, don’t be afraid, sis! Tell me what I gotta do to earn your support. Just name it.”
“Look, here’s what I’m thinking. As your next-door neighbor in our domicile, I would be doomed if you turn out to be an irresponsible cat companion. Thus, if you desire my vote, I need proof of your competency. Let me quiz you a little, including some mathematics questions. If you can answer even one question correctly, thus demonstrating your intellectual capability, then I’ll take it as a sign that you might be a reliable guardian for the kitten. I believe this is a fair deal—what do you think?”
I think I’m screwed.
“I’ll take your silence as an agreement. So, are you ready, Oppa?”
Oh, Lord…I have a bad feeling about this…
🦋
“What is the highest mountain in the world?”
“Mwahahaha! Silly me, you had me worried for a moment there. That would be none other than the majestic Mount Everest, towering above all other mighty peaks in the Himalayas. Boom, easy money! Your vote, sis!”
“Wron~g.”
“H~what!?”
“First of all, you need to properly call that venerable mountain. Its name is Chomolungma, which translates to ‘the Holy Mother of the Universe’ in Tibetan. The locals have called it Chomolungma since time immemorial. A divine name, wouldn’t you say? After all, women give birth, so the analogy of a woman creating the universe seems fitting, don’t you agree?
“More importantly, though, should a Tibetan mountain be called after an Englishman, especially one who never laid eyes on Chomolungma himself? Tell me, would the Swiss allow Matterhorn to be named after an Englishman? Or the French with their Mont Blanc?
“By the way, the answer isn’t Chomolungma anyway. Here’s a clue: it’s in our own country.”
“Wait, timeout. Denali? Let me quote Marilla Cuthbert for you: ‘fiddlesticks!’ Unless there’s been some recent massive tectonic activity in Alaska that I’m unaware of, Denali isn’t even close. Hell, it ain’t even the tallest mountain in the Western Hemisphere. That title goes to Aconcagua in Argentina.”
“Tsk-tsk, my poor brother, why don’t you be a little more ambitious and head further west.”
“No way, you’re saying it’s in Hawaii?”
“Way, and bingo! The highest mountain in the world is Mauna Kea, located on the lovely island of Hawaii, my Holy Land, my number one travel destination on my bucket list. Mauna Kea, which means ‘White Mountain’ because of its snowy peaks, stands only 13,796 feet above sea level, considerably lower than Chomolungma’s 29,031 feet. However, Mauna Kea’s base begins at the Pacific Ocean floor. Its actual height is 33,476 feet, which is 4,445 feet taller than Chomolungma.
“Chomolungma continues to grow by about 3.3 feet every 200 years due to the steady shifting of the Indian and Eurasian tectonic plates, while Mauna Kea is dormant. This means that Chomolungma could technically become the world’s highest mountain in about…270,000 years from now.
“If you and I are still alive then, your answer would finally be correct. To us mortal humans that seems an eternity away, but to mountains, it’s merely an ephemeral moment.”
“Wow, this is so unfair. I’ve never even heard of this mountain. This was a trick question!”
“Fiddlesticks back to you! You simply didn’t think the question through, did you? I didn’t ask for the tallest mountain above sea level, did I, you dim-witted, neuron-lacking dumbo.”
Aaaargh!
Woah, woah, dude, hold your elephants. Suppress your intemperance. Think of the po’ kitto!
“Here, let me give you another opportunity. Then, what’s the world’s longest mountain range?”
“Lord, have mercy…surely you’re not gonna tell me it’s not the Andes?”
“Yup, it’s not. The longest mountain range is the Mid-ocean Ridge, which is almost entirely underwater. The Andes is indeed the longest one above sea level, though. And I hear that Patagonia is the most magical place on Earth.
“The first questions, and the easiest ones at that, yet you still manage to answer them wrong. Hmm, I’m guessing your chance of getting the next question right is an integer barely above zero. Not such good news for your calico kitten, I reckon.”
I knew it. As soon as she said ‘quiz,’ I was screwed. My premonition never fails me. Lord knows my probability of answering any of her questions correctly is actually less than zero—if that were even possible!